Losing Yourself in Relationship

Let's talk about losing yourself in a relationship. We all know that one friend who gets so wrapped up in their relationship to the point where they become different, someone you don't even know anymore (maybe that friend is you). It happens so often and frequently, but why? Is it even a bad thing that we become different when we get into relationships? Let's get into it, shall we?

First of all, no it's not a bad thing that we change in our relationships, it's actually necessary and normal. Where it starts to become problematic is when the change is not aligned with our most authentic selves. We're changing to serve someone else with no benefit to ourselves (hey people pleasing!)

What's the difference between losing ourselves vs. growing?

1. You feel disconnected to yourself

   This disconnection will often stem deep and look like someone who’s moving through life unconsciously. What do I mean by that? You’re not tuned into yourself and unaware of the impact you have or how you’re being impacted. This is often the result of constantly dismissing your wants/needs and ignoring your gut.

2. You feel off, unhappy, or not yourself

   This one often shows up as not really being able to put a finger on what’s wrong, but you know something isn’t right. You don’t feel like yourself and find that you’re just going through the motions. Overwhelmingly, you just feel like you’re surviving, not really living or thriving.

3. You’re no longer doing things that bring joy or even know what that looks like anymore

   Similarly to number 2, things that in the past felt enjoyable or happy, aren’t feeling that way anymore. This is directly tied to the disconnection that you feel within yourself. When you’re not attuned to you anymore, how can you know what things bring happiness or feel like you anymore?

4. You’ve isolated from your support system, close friends, or family

   This isolation stems from feeling not like yourself. Your family or friends highlight a part of you that you’re not attuned to anymore. It could also be because you like spending your time in your partnership because it brings up a sense of identity in a lot of ways.

5. Your world becomes centered around your partner

   They become your world in a codependent type of way. So, being attached to them reduces anxiety or the stress of being alone. Again, if you’re not feeling connected to yourself, feeling alone can feel scary because it heightens that disconnection.

Couples therapy helps to address a lot of these concerns because we’re digging into the dynamics that are happening between you both. However, individual therapy will also uncover these issues and highlight them to you, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Should we start couples therapy?

My personal and honest opinion is yes (and that’s not just because I’m a couples therapist either 😉). Couples therapy is by far one of the best investments you can make for yourself and your relationship. Not only will your relationship grow closer, more intimate and connected, but you’ll also learn so much about yourself.

Even though you’re in couples therapy, you’ll also unpack and process why you show up the way you do in your relationships and where those behaviors and triggers stem from.

This knowing and self-awareness is pivotal to enhancing communication with your partner. That self-awareness allows partners to break out of stuck patterns and fighting cycles that couples will often find themselves in.

So, here are some things to consider when asking yourself, “should we start couples therapy”?

1. Are you in, or about to experience, a life change/transition?

   Regardless if the life transition is an exciting one (expanding your family, moving into a home, getting married etc.), a transition means change and adjustment. A lot of couples find difficulty navigating transitions and the challenges of adjusting to a new normal.

   Sometimes adjusting to a new normal brings up anxiety, triggers, or tension. When left unaddressed, concerns and feelings can spiral into resentment. Starting therapy during a life change opens lines of communication by tapping into what’s being left unsaid. Oftentimes, we’re not even realizing what’s going on with us internally when going through a change. Couples therapy helps the couple slow down and focus to effectively move through feeling stuck.

2. Do you feel stuck in a constant cycle of fighting and making up?

   Like mentioned previously, it’s common for couples to get stuck in a cycle or dance of fighting. I help the couples I see work on uncovering what their specific style of fighting is and what each of their roles are in it.

   It’s hard once you’re in the thick of it to really understand what’s going on and how you’re influencing one another. If you find yourselves stuck in an endless pattern of fighting, therapy can be great in minimizing the fights and creating a new, more healthy dynamic.

3. Are you struggling with communication?

   Communication issues is probably the number one reason couples are meeting with me. Under this broad umbrella of communication though, there are different variations of what that actually means specific to each couple.

   For most people, whether they realize it or not, the goal in working on communicating better is to feel seen, understood, and heard. When those things aren’t present, communication will almost always feel problematic and lead to disagreements.

   When I work with couples, I help them: a) identify what their core concern is, b) identify the feeling that is coming up for them, and c) present it and share it with their partner in a way that they’re able to hear it and tune into them.

   Practicing this formula in and out of sessions allows for the communication in the relationship to improve and for each person to feel valued, listened to, and understood.

4. Do you want to work through minor concerns so they don’t snowball?

   Believe it or not, there are couples out there who do a pretty good job of managing the bigger issues (or so it seems). They feel connected, committed, and aligned most of the time.

   However, they want to work through any hiccups that they might have that get in the way, or could get in the way, of their deeper intimacy. Therapy for them is about deepening the connection they already have and solidifying that connection.

5. Are you looking to change or expand on what the relationship started out as?

   This question is referencing either going from monogamy to non-monogamy or vice versa. More and more couples are exploring the boundaries of themselves and their relationships outside of the box that society has given us. Because of this, exploring these conversations within therapy can be a game changer. Having a safe space to talk through and about topics that could potentially be difficult allows each person to feel comfortable authentically expressing themselves.

This list is not an exhaustive one. There are various other reasons to start couples therapy that weren’t included and they’re all valid. These are just a few that maybe aren’t always thought of or considered.

Ready to work with me? Click the button below to let me know you’re ready!

Is Your Past Influencing Your Present?

Have you considered that some of your behaviors and quirks didn’t actually start with with you?

I think it’s safe to assume that, to some degree, we have been influenced by our parents. Obviously through genetics and our looks, but also through behavior and the nurturing we were given (or weren’t).

So, in what ways have our parents and their relationships influenced us and the ways we show up In ours today? Whether we like it or not or want to own this truth or not, the fact remains that we have inevitably taken on more than we’d like from them.

As humans we try to anticipate and prepare to avoid danger and hurt, but when it comes to relationships, in doing so, we fall into possible self-sabatoge.

We end up creating and having to play out the very thing we’re working so hard to avoid. This is why it’s important to do the self-work around our triggers and understand the impact our past has on us.

Here are some possible ways that your family, upbringing and caretaker’s relationship has impacted how you show up in yours.

1. Fear of abandonment

   The most common way that this shows up is through feeling afraid of your partner leaving or not staying because of what you’ve experienced with or seen in your family. Either because a parent was not around for you or for your other parent.

2. Lack of trust

   Again, feeling as though you can’t depend or lean on your partner. There is a lack of safety or security within the relationship. It might not stem from what’s actually happening, but from what you saw and experienced growing up instead.

3. Unrealistic expectations

   This one can show up as wanting more from your partner than is realistic or putting unrealistic expectations on yourself to show up a certain way in the relationship. For example, thinking that one partner should be the sole provider and not considering whether it makes sense for your family.

4. Wanting to recreate what you saw

   A lot of people struggle with breaking away from what they saw and creating something new. This is why it’s so hard to break cycles or create new habits. Oftentimes, this can tie into unrealistic expectations because it puts the burden on your partner to be what you saw growing up, without honoring who they are already. Another way this can show up is unconsciously recreating negative patterns in your relationship because that’s the only way you’ve seen a relationship operate.

5. Wanting to avoid what you saw

   Again, similar to the previously mentioned, through wanting to avoid, so much pressure is put on being different from what you experienced. Through doing so, it can exhaust the partnership because it doesn’t allow space for things to flow naturally, rather, there’s an emphasis on what shouldn’t happen which can create a tensious and anxious energy.

6. Repeating cycles

   Lastly, repeating cycles. A lot of us will recreate what we saw and experienced whether we want to or not simply because we haven’t done the work to heal and process yet. Because of that, our relationships carry inauthenticity because they’re being dictated by what we saw, what was expected, what is wanted by someone else, rather than what we want, desire or crave to create.

Although these are common and can come up for us in our relationships, it doesn’t mean that we have to stay there. If you’re ready to become a cycle-breaker and take back your power in your life and relationship, click here and schedule a free consult.

5 Steps to Repair After A Fight

After fights, things feel distant and cold. It’s hard to want to come together in the moment or feel supported by your partner. However, just as the way you fight is important, being able to repair afterwards is just as vital.

A repair is simply an attempt to bridge the gap, create closeness and minimize the hostility or tension. When done with intention, it can make all the difference between being passive aggressive and having a week of silence, to feeling close, understood, seen and heard.

So here are 5 steps to repairing after a fight:

1. Put pride and ego aside and extend an olive branch

   A lot of times during and after disagreements, the hardest part is coming together and wanting to end the fight. For a lot of couples, it’s realizing that it’s not a matter of prioritizing their pride or ego, but rather the relationship. Extending an olive branch oftentimes softens partners to try and talk about things from a more understanding point of view.

2. Have each partner take a turn to talk about what they’re feeling without blame

   Taking turns is not just about interrupting one another and making sure each person get a chance to speak. An important part of taking turns is to also encourage intentional listening. It’s no good to each get a chance to speak if neither of you are truly caring about understanding and wanting to listen to each other.

3. Discuss and validate each other’s realties and perspectives

   It takes courage and immense vulnerability to express your reality and perspective with your partner after a heated argument. So it makes that you’d like to feel as though your partner makes space for those feelings, but also validates your truth and perspective, even if their intention wasn’t to be hurtful. The goal here isn’t about blame, but acknowledging one another.

4. Take accountability for your role in the fight

   This can be difficult for some people because it’ll feel like an admittance of guilt and taking blame, but that’s not what this one is about. Taking accountability is simply about recognizing the ways that you could’ve responded better, handled the situation better, or showed up differently for your partner. Believe it or not, doing this leads to immense connection and closeness.

5. Acknowledge one another and discuss ways to deal with these concerns/feelings if and when they come up again

   Having an action plan moving forward can be so helpful in knowing each other’s expectations and minimizing these flare-up fights. Take your time to discuss this and look at it as a way to reconnect and come together as you’re working together as a team.

Relationship Check-in

The purpose of a check-in is simple - to celebrate what’s going well and discuss areas that need improvement. Doing these regularly helps to maintain your partnership on the same page and minimizes passive aggressive frustration.

It allows you to verbalize and highlight things that are going well and that you’d like to continue. It also provides a safe space for discussing areas and things that need to be improved or you’d like to pay more attention to. Oftentimes, these concerns get addressed during disagreements, which is not ideal for voicing them in a gentle and mindful way. It often means your partner will have a hard time hearing your perspective.

Implementing a check-in routine allows you both to stay on the same page, improve connection and communication, while also addressing key concerns in a mindful and gentle way.

Here are some questions to ask during a relationship check-in:

1. What are some things recently that have made you feel loved and appreciated?

   This question is meant to, not only assess and know what things have been working, but also provides an opportunity to praise your partner. Oftentimes, your partner does things without realizing the impact it’s had on you. So highlighting them in this way gives space to connect as a couple and verbally affirm and praise each other.

2. Moving forward, would you like to spend more time together or have more space for yourself?

   This question serves as an area of reflection for you to check-in and note whether you’ve been satisfied with the time spent as a couple. With the day-to-day, it can become hard to tune-in and know whether we’ve been spending quality time, not only as a couple, but with ourselves too. A reminder that if your partner says they’d like more space, it’s not an attack or rejection on you.

3. Is there anything on your mind that you’ve wanted to discuss?

   A lot of times, we might feel nervous or scared to voice certain concerns, or simply not know how to. It’s important to create a safe space where discussing things that are on your mind can be heard and listened to through a lens of understanding.

4. What about our relationship makes you really happy?

   Again, asking this type of question creates a space of connection and intimacy in talking about things that are working and feeling good. Highlighting and responding to what makes you happy goes beyond a simple thank you, for example, when your partner took out the trash. This deepens their understanding of why it felt special and meant so much to you.

5. What are your current stresses?

   Knowing what’s going on in your partner’s world is important and adds context to the space they’re in mentally. It allows you to know and have more insight to their thinking and at times, why they’re showing up the way they are in the relationship.

6. When you think of our relationship, how do you feel?

   Discussing your feelings about the relationship can feel really comforting to hear and also comforting to voice. Oftentimes, we don’t take a moment to pause and reflect on our feelings and what’s going on internally for us. Therefore, this question is two-fold, it allows you to reflect on your feelings as well as the relationship. Even if some of the feelings are hard to hear and say, saying them during a check-in feels safer than doing so during a disagreement or bottling them in.

7. How satisfied are you with our sex life?

   This is an important one because it allows you both to discuss things you’d like to implement, change or continue. Sex can be a touchy subject at times and normalizing the conversation can be rewarding. It allows for more safety, trust, and openness with each other.

8. Is there anything you’d like me to do differently to help you feel more connected?

   Asking this creates connection already because it allows you both to know it’s ok to do things differently and it helps you both to tune in to what the other person needs and wants moving forward. Again, it allows for introspection for you to reflect on what you want and need.

6 Signs That Mean There’s Intimacy

What is intimacy? A lot of people reduce it to just sex within the relationship, but intimacy is so much more than that. It’s the closeness between your partner and you. It’s your ability to feel loved and cared for within your relationship.

Sex is a part of intimacy, but it isn’t the end all be all. A lot of couples reduce it to sex because they’ve found that to be one of the only ways to feel close to each other.

What if you could have that closeness in your day-to-day outside of sex? I’m going to detail out 6 signs that indicate that your relationship is fostering more intimacy.

1. You’re able to place boundaries and feel seen, heard, + respected by your partner

   Just like with sex, boundaries are important. They help others around you know your limits and areas of comfort. Boundaries serve as a guide on how you’d like other people to engage and interact with you. Who doesn’t like to be respected, understood and valued? Feeling this way after expressing your needs to your partner can create a feeling of deep care and love (aka intimacy).

   Related: How to Set Boundaries in Relationships

2. You’re able to separate that things your partner does are not always about you

   It’s hard to feel close to someone when it feels like you’re constantly being blamed or attacked by them right? Sometimes though, that’s not the case.

   Past experiences from relationships to family dynamics can be at the root of interpreting comments or statements made by your partner to mean more than what they are.

   If your goal is to create intimacy, assume the best in your partner rather than the worst. Don’t jump in believing that their intentions were to be mean or hurtful and if it feels that way, express it or ask for clarification.

3. There is safety and trust in asking for needs, but also understanding when partner cannot meet every need

   Intimacy comes from safety, and safety comes from vulnerability. Safety looks like being able to open up about your past, your desires, concerns, wishes, needs and know that you partner can hold space for all those emotions and concerns.

   Knowing that your partner is able to show up for you is important, but it’s just as important to know that sometimes, they can’t and that’s ok. Understanding has to be reciprocal. Wanting to be there for one another and showing up for each other looks like being open enough to ask for what you need, but also being ok with not being able to get that at times.

   This goes back to number 2 (see above). If your partner can’t show up for you in the way that you want them to, it probably isn’t about you. Get curious about understanding one another on a deeper level and asking questions that help to provide understanding and insight. All of this safety and vulnerability leads to incredible intimacy.

4. You’re relationship is able to have a balance between comfort, friendship, stability vs. playfulness, mystery, lust

   Esther Perel, a well-known relationship therapist, talks about this idea that intimacy and eroticism within relationships is maintained through having mystery, playfulness and lust.

   At the inception of relationships, there is plenty of this because things are new and exciting. However, because it’s new and there isn’t history, there is a lack of comfort, friendship, and stability, which are also essential to intimacy. Once two partners have been together for a long time, there is plenty of comfort, and stability, but the mystery and playfulness is gone.

   The problem is that, both are necessary for a lasting intimacy. That’s why intentional time as a couple is important to do new and exciting things together and creating intimacy in doing things that help you bond and stay connected.

5. There is a flirting + foreplay that happens outside of the bedroom

   Oh, you thought foreplay was just for the bedroom huh? I’m here to tell you that it’s not! There are tons of ways to create sexual and emotional closeness and intimacy that don’t necessarily need to involve sex.

   Sex and intimacy are about connection. Although sex alone can create a connection, it’s not enough to sustain an entire relationship. Here are some ways to maintain and emphasize connection, playfulness, and mystery with your partner:

   • Sexy and playful texts throughout day

   • Inviting touches + looks that signal desire

   • Using words and tones (whispering, saying things close to skin, kisses, etc.) throughout the day

   All of these things are inviting intimacy through playfulness, mystery, lust, etc. These actions serve as a primer for connection through sexual intimacy.

6. You’re prioritizing each other and the relationship

   I don’t know about you, but nothing is sexier than my partner making me feel like #1. A huge part of feeling loved is knowing that your partner has your back. Likewise, being a team means that we take care of each other and listen to what us a unit needs to thrive.

   Talk about what it looks like to prioritize one another, what’s needed to make it happen, and areas that can be improved when it comes to that. Not only will this create a deep understanding and fulfillment with each other, but it’s another way to practice vulnerability and increase intimacy.

I hope these were helpful! If you’re interested in getting to true vulnerability with your partner, schedule a free consult with me.