Let's talk about losing yourself in a relationship. We all know that one friend who gets so wrapped up in their relationship to the point where they become different, someone you don't even know anymore (maybe that friend is you). It happens so often and frequently, but why? Is it even a bad thing that we become different when we get into relationships? Let's get into it, shall we?
First of all, no it's not a bad thing that we change in our relationships, it's actually necessary and normal. Where it starts to become problematic is when the change is not aligned with our most authentic selves. We're changing to serve someone else with no benefit to ourselves (hey people pleasing!)
What's the difference between losing ourselves vs. growing?
You feel disconnected to yourself
This disconnection will often stem deep and look like someone who’s moving through life unconsciously. What do I mean by that? You’re not tuned into yourself and unaware of the impact you have or how you’re being impacted. This is often the result of constantly dismissing your wants/needs and ignoring your gut.
You feel off, unhappy, or not yourself
This one often shows up as not really being able to put a finger on what’s wrong, but you know something isn’t right. You don’t feel like yourself and find that you’re just going through the motions. Overwhelmingly, you just feel like you’re surviving, not really living or thriving.
You’re no longer doing things that bring joy or even know what that looks like anymore
Similarly to number 2, things that in the past felt enjoyable or happy, aren’t feeling that way anymore. This is directly tied to the disconnection that you feel within yourself. When you’re not attuned to you anymore, how can you know what things bring happiness or feel like you anymore?
You’ve isolated from your support system, close friends, or family
This isolation stems from feeling not like yourself. Your family or friends highlight a part of you that you’re not attuned to anymore. It could also be because you like spending your time in your partnership because it brings up a sense of identity in a lot of ways.
Your world becomes centered around your partner
They become your world in a codependent type of way. So, being attached to them reduces anxiety or the stress of being alone. Again, if you’re not feeling connected to yourself, feeling alone can feel scary because it heightens that disconnection.
Couples therapy helps to address a lot of these concerns because we’re digging into the dynamics that are happening between you both. However, individual therapy will also uncover these issues and highlight them to you, whether you’re in a relationship or not.